ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
no one likes gloating