Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If you know, you know
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.