What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.