6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?