[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Life hack
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.