My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
President The Rock Obama
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My plans: 2020:
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.