If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
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Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
This sounds bad:
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.