Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
any last words?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
At least try to make it slightly believable
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.