Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.