DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled