Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want