I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am