My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
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Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Sponch
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches