I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you