Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves