I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Dead sexy!!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.