What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting