Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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Strange
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.