“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Dead sexy!!
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby