The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
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What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.