me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Good Morning.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!