“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
You Might Also Like
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
this is funnier than any friends episode
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?