Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.