A short story about romance.
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.