Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*