your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences