[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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ready to be harvested
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.