Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME