“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.