I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao