Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud