Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Nomnomnomnom
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions