Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
🤣dope
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
In case you needed to hear it:
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”