I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
fired
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The dark side of Canada
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared