Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
How it started How it’s going
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.