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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff