lmfao
You Might Also Like
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami