If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
This fish is cracking me up
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.