Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
You Might Also Like
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
man: wait
time: no
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.