The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱