Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live