The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes