*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
You Might Also Like
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed