{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees