[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Breaking news:
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me