A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.