My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.