*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
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Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.