Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers