Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?